Emotionless
by Twilightchick16
Summary: Bella is a goth and she cuts herself. After her mother dies she goes to live with Charlie. What will happen when she meets Edward now that she is a goth?
1. Chapter 1

11/08/2009 20:22:00

Chapter 1

**Bella's POV**

I'm going to Forks today. My mother died in a car accident with my stepfather Phil. I didn't cry because I know crying won't do anything. After all the bad things that have happened in my life I have quickly realized crying doesn't help. I stopped crying two years ago. I stopped having emotions one year ago. Emotions just complicate your life more than necessary. When I stopped having emotions I started wearing all black and cutting myself. Cutting doesn't hurt because I no longer feel pain. I don't feel anything.

Two years ago when I was fifteen my boyfriend dumped me. Twice. I really thought he cared for me but I got over it. Six months later all my friends ditched me and told me they hated me. Three months after that Phil started drinking and whenever Renee wasn't around he would beat me for no reason, he just said he felt like it. That's when I lost my emotions. I still have bruises. I also started cutting myself at that time to take away the throbbing pain from my bruises. The habit just kind of stuck with me after that. Whenever something else bad happened I just cut myself.

After I started cutting I turned goth. I'm going to Forks to live with my father, Charlie, today unless he dies first. With my luck it's possible. As I waited in the Phoenix airport I looked down at my clothes. I was wearing a black t-shirt with a skull and crossbones that said, "kill me". I had black jeans with chains on them, which is like my boots, which also have chains. It doesn't matter to me what people think of me because I learned to stop caring a while ago.

When I got on the plane I took my I-pod out and started listening to depressing music. It reminds me of my life, which is as miserable as the music. Forks also reminds me of my life and attitude. It is dreary and miserable and rainy, like my attitude. It seems like the perfect paradise for a girl like me. Not that I cared. I will never fit in with anyone because I am the stupidest, ugliest, most miserable creature on the planet. But who cares what people think. All I know is that it doesn't matter to me.

When I got off the plane I spotted the police cruiser right away, with Charlie standing in front of it waiting to take me to my new "home". If I'm lucky it won't be burnt down by the end of today. I walked over to the police cruiser slowly. There was no point in rushing. I have nothing to hope for because when I hope, bad things happen to me.

"Hey Bells" Charlie greeted me.

"Hi" I replied, boredom and misery dripping from my voice. The hour ride back to the house was silent. Charlie must have processed that I didn't want to talk. At least he respected that, unlike when my mother was alive and she forced conversation. On the ride back I took a pen from my bag and doodled on my arm. There was nothing better to do since there was no conversation.

When we got to the house I saw a faded red truck, which was obviously very old. Charlie noticed me studying it and said, "It's for you Bells. Sort of a homecoming gift and a way to get to school."

"Thanks" I replied, trying to sound enthusiastic but failing miserably. I walked through the doors and headed upstairs to my room. I knew it was mine because I used to spend my summers here, until I finally refused. Instead Charlie spent two weeks in Phoenix in the summer. I started unpacking my suitcase. All you could see was layers and layers of black clothing. Underneath it all was my razor collection, used for cutting myself. I lifted up my sleeve and saw about five cuts going horizontally across my wrist. I smiled, knowing they would be scars.

When I put my clothes away it looked like it was night in my closet while the rest of the room was in the day. All of my clothing came from Hot Topic. In the corner of my suitcase I found all my make-up. There was black eyeliner, black mascara, black lipstick black nail polish, basically everything black. When I was done I got my I-pod and sat down on my bed to listen to music. I didn't realize how long I was listening to music until I noticed how dark it was outside. I looked at the time on my I-pod. 11:03 pm. Then I realized I had school in the morning. That I wasn't so crazy about. More people to comment on me. I quickly fell into a dreamless sleep. I didn't dream anymore. Dreams are for people who have hopes and wishes and futures and that definitely wasn't me.

The next morning Charlie was already gone to work. I went downstairs and didn't bother eating breakfast. Who cares? I found my car keys on the counter and went outside, tripping on the way there. I'm extremely clumsy and I shouldn't be, especially for someone who's supposed to be a goth and cuts themselves.

When I got to the school I parked in the spot closest to the building. There was a door that said "Front Office". I walked inside and saw a red-haired woman wearing glasses. She looked up and said, "Can I help you?"

"I'm new here" I replied, figuring she would know what to do. She gave me my schedule and a map of the school. I looked at the schedule and saw that my first class was in building 3. I walked there quickly and sat at the back of the class. Luckily no one talked to me. When the bell rang I rushed to my next class, which was Government in building 6. People noticed I was new this time and began to stare at me until class started. Let them stare, I don't care. After I went to trigonometry and the teacher made me introduce myself to the whole class. I really sucked at math anyway.

When the bell finally rang I walked slowly to lunch. I sat down alone when I noticed five extremely gorgeous people sitting at a table together. There were three boys and two girls. One of the boys was big with a lot of muscles and dark curly hair. There was also a blond one who was taller and leaner. The last boy had bronze-colored hair and had fewer muscles. The girls were opposites. There was an extremely gorgeous model-like one with golden hair. The other was short and pixie-like with black spiky hair. They were all paler than me with purple bruises under their eyes.

Before I looked in the other direction I noticed the bronze-haired boy staring at me with a look of frustration in his eyes. I ignored it and payed more attention to my table. I didn't have food because I didn't usually eat. Maybe that would explain why I was so thin. When lunch was over I slowly got up and looked at my schedule. I had biology next. Just then a girl with curly dark hair walked up to me.

"Hi I'm Jessica Stanley. You must be the new girl." 

"Yeah I'm Bella," I told her miserably.

"I noticed you looking at the Cullen's. The two blond one's are Rosalie and Jasper Hale. The short one is Alice Cullen and the bigger one is Emmett Cullen. They're dating and they are all adopted by Doctor Carlisle Cullen. Alice and Jasper and Rosalie and Emmett are together. The bronze-haired one is Edward and he's single," she said to me.

"Thanks for the info but I have to go now" I replied, walking away. She just shrugged and walked back to her group of friends. I walked to Biology and saw that the only available seat was next to Edward Cullen. I sighed, got my slip signed and walked over there. After I sat down I looked over at him. His eyes were pitch black and he was glaring at me in a really frightening way. I wasn't scared because I feel nothing. He can't scare me. I looked over and glared right back. Ha, that will show him.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**Bella's POV**

Edward looked like he wasn't breathing. There was something odd about him. Plus earlier his eyes were a topaz color. What's going on here? I just ignored him and when the bell finally rang and I looked over to Edward, he was gone. Wow, that was fast. My last class was gym, something I was not looking forward to. But then again, I never look forward to anything. Its just that I'm such a klutz but oh well. When I made it to the gym I was late. We were playing basketball. Oh, great. I mostly stayed away from all the action and the ball. When it was finally time to go home I rushed out of the gym to my truck.

When I got home, I went upstairs and looked through my razor collection for my sharpest one. I cut another line horizontally across my wrist. The cut let out one drop of blood. I thought of the line across my waist and how much it was bleeding. This cut was one of my shallower ones. I used to hate the smell of blood. Now it was tolerable, as long as it was my own. When I heard the front door open, I knew right away it was Charlie. Who else would it be? I quickly put away my razor and pulled down my sleeve in case Charlie came upstairs.

I went downstairs and out the front door. I decided to go for a walk in the woods. Hopefully I would get lost and die and I wouldn't have to deal with my life everyday. It's not like I asked to be born. If I knew life had so much misery I wouldn't have even tried to be happy in my childhood. I didn't go very far into the woods behind my house when I suddenly sat down. There was no point in going any farther. I got up and walked back to the house. Apparently I had to cook dinner because Charlie had no idea how to cook.

I made fried fish. Charlie has a lot of fish. Too much in my opinion. He must really like fish. After we ate I went upstairs and put my iPod on full blast to block out the world. The world is a cruel place. I never asked to be a part of this world, and yet I was forced. I fell asleep to my iPod and I woke up early the next morning. I decided to get dressed. First I took a shower. Then I got a black miniskirt with chains. Then I got mesh to cover my legs. Then I got a long-sleeve shirt with mesh for the sleeves. There was a cross with spider webs on it that said "Gothic". After that I put all my make-up on. I put my mahogany hair in a bun. It didn't feel right dying my hair black so I just put black streaks all through my hair. By the time I was finished it was time to go to school.

When I got to school, I rushed inside, noticing I was late. At lunch Jessica Stanly asked if I wanted to join them for lunch. I reluctantly agreed, doubt and misery clear in my voice. I looked at the Cullen table and noticed Edward wasn't there. Good I hope he never comes back. Edward wasn't here for the whole week. On Monday it was snowing. Snow was cold and wet and disgusting. Before lunch started I went to the bathroom and found a razor in my pocket. I cut a really deep line on my wrist and it started bleeding right away. The crimson color reminded me of death, and how much I wanted it. I envied everyone who was dead.

When I went to lunch I sat with Jessica again because it was something to do. All of her friends were at the table too like Mike Newton, Eric Yorkie, and Angela. I looked over at the Cullen table and noticed that Edward was back. Great, more glaring at me. When the bell rang I walked slowly to biology. When I sat down I noticed that Edward wasn't there yet. I started doodling on my notebook. Mostly depressing pictures. All of a sudden I see Edward sitting next to me.

"Hello my name is Edward Cullen. I didn't introduce myself last week. You must be Bella Swan," he said to me. Wow he talked to me.

"You're actually taking to me?" I asked in surprise.

"Yes Why wouldn't I be?" he replied.

"Never mind," I responded, returning to my drawing

That was pretty much the end of out conversation. I looked out the window and noticed that the rain melted the snow. I started doodling a new picture on my notebook.

**Edward's POV**

I watched her as she doodled on her notebook. She was drawing really depressing pictures. She fascinated me. I couldn't read her thoughts like I could with everyone else and she seems different from everyone somehow. She was really frustrating. Even last week when my eyes went black, which happens from hunger, she seemed to notice. She even started glaring back, which was really surprising. Her attitude and wardrobe showed that she didn't care. Like she was emotionless.

**Bella's POV**

When class ended Edward just sort of disappeared. Oh well, its none of my business. I started walking to the gym but decided to skip instead. I got into my truck and went to get a piercing. I went to the mall and got a belly button ring. It looked cool. Then I went home. The next day when I looked outside it was white. I noticed it was snowy and icy. I got into my truck and drove to school with ease, despite all the ice. When I got to school I saw something on my tires. I bent down to check it out. I saw snow chains on my tires. Charlie must have got up early to put them on. I kind of wished he didn't. Then maybe I would have went sliding out of control and died. That would have been a relief and would have put me out of my misery.

As I started to get up I noticed a van sliding towards me. At least now I could die and be put out of my misery, like I had been hoping. Out of nowhere I felt myself hurled to the side as the van whirled past me. Then the van started coming again. Hopefully this time it will hit me. I saw pale white hands stop the truck at incredible speed. When I came back to my senses I noticed Edward Cullen. "What just happened?" I wondered aloud, not really expecting an answer.

"You almost got hit by a van," Edward answered anyway.

Just then people with stretchers came and asked if anyone was hurt. I said no but Edward said I had hit my head, which I don't remember at all. They put a neck brace on me, which was really annoying. Edward declined his stretcher, lucky him. When we got to the hospital I explained I wasn't hurt. That was true, I was only annoyed. Just then an attractive doctor came and said he was Doctor Carlisle Cullen.

"Hi" I said, irritated I still had to be here. The neck brace was gone because as soon as the nurses couldn't see anymore, I flung it under the bed.

"Does your head hurt?" Carlisle asked.

"No. Can I leave please Doctor Cullen?" I asked, really wanting to leave.

"Call me Carlisle. And we just have to do a few more tests" he explained patiently. I sighed, clearly irritated. Just then I saw Edward walk through the door.

"Hi" he greeted me.

"Why did you tell them I banged my head? Now I'm stuck here." I said to him, getting right to the point.

"Because you did," he said.

"Then why don't I remember that? Or feel it?" I replied.

"Well you did," he argued. Just then Carlisle walked into the room and said I was free to go. I was in such a rush that I tripped. Stupid clumsiness. I hate hospitals. They always try to save you. What if I don't want to be saved? What if being saved means dying? What if you're so miserable that only death can save you? That was definitely me. When I got out of that room I saw Charlie. He started attacking me with questions. When he was finally done we drove home in the cruiser and luckily I didn't have to go to school.

When I got home I found my razor and made a deep cut on my wrist. It started gushing blood on the bathroom floor. It stopped more quickly that I would have liked it to though. I cleaned up the blood before Charlie would get suspicious or freak out or something. The whole day I listened to my iPod. There was nothing better to do. When the day ended, I was not looking forward to the next day.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

**Bella's POV**

When I woke up the next morning I rolled over and groaned, realizing I would have to deal with another school day. I forced myself up and got dressed. I put on a black ruffle mini-skirt with chains on it and mesh on my legs. Then I put on a black hoodie to hide the scars on my arms. After I was done getting dressed I brushed my teeth and skipped breakfast. I went outside and started my truck. It was raining again. What a surprise. When I got to school I got ambushed by Mike Newton who asked, "Will you go to the school dance with me on Friday?"

"No" I replied automatically. I walked away without looking back. Who did he think he was asking me out? I hate getting attention. I like being a loner better so that no one gets into my business. If people get to know me they start asking questions, like why I always try to cover my skin or why I always wear black. I walked inside and headed to my first class when Eric Yorkie walked up to me and asked me to the school dance. I obviously said no but I couldn't help wondering why they were asking me out when they never paid attention to me before.

After Government I headed to trigonometry, the worst class ever. I hate math. After the bell rang and lunch was over I headed to biology. Edward was there again. He didn't even bother trying to talk to me this time. On the way out of biology I tripped and Edward caught me. How did he get here so fast? Anyways when he caught me the sleeve to my hoodie went up and he saw the cuts on my wrist. I gasped and ran for it. What if he told someone? It was obvious by the way that it looked that it was self-inflicted. I ran to the washroom and found a razor in my pocket. I cut horizontally on my waist so no one would notice it and so I could still take away my pain by cutting.

I washed off the razor and went to the gym. I thought about skipping the rest of the day but decided against it. I would be too suspicious. I whacked myself in the head with a tennis racket. Don't ask me how but I did. When gym was over I took a shower and went to my truck. I didn't see Edward so I sighed in relief. I was about to get into my truck when Tyler, the kid who nearly crashed into me, asked me to the school dance. I mentally screamed in frustration before replying, " No I won't, nor will I ever go out with you because I don't date." Then I got into my truck and drove away.

When I got home I collapsed on my bed. I took out my I-pod and started listening to Evanescence. Over the music I heard someone knock on the door and went downstairs to get it since Charlie wasn't home yet. I opened the door to see Edward Cullen standing in my doorway. I screamed and slammed the door in his face. Then I thought about what I had just done and opened the door again.

**Edward's POV**

It was Wednesday and I was outside Bella's window again. She was fascinating. She talked in her sleep a lot saying dreams were for people who had wishes and futures and how lucky they were. One time she said my name too. I left after, knowing she would wake up soon. I went home to go get ready for school. I gave my brothers and sisters a ride to school as usual. When we got there I spotted Mike Newton in the parking lot talking to Bella. I heard him ask Bella to the dance, and then her refusing and walking away. Then I went inside and she was turning down Eric down. She was so direct, not even bothering to explain why she turned them down. She obviously didn't care what others thought of her.

The day went by quickly and it was boring, as usual. At lunch I saw Bella again in a black hoodie and a mini-skirt, obviously black, with mesh on her legs. She always wore clothing that covered up her skin, as if she was hiding something. When lunch was finally over I headed to biology. I walked into the room and saw Bella already sitting down. I sat down silently, not talking to her. It was obvious she wouldn't talk to me. At the end of class I headed toward the door and Bella tripped. I caught her and when I did her hoodie sleeve went up. Her wrist had cuts all over it, perfectly straight. It looked like she did it to herself. She gasped and ran away. I was too shocked to follow her and I suspected she went to her next class already so I decided to ask her about it after school.

I went to my next class, in a hurry for it to be over. After the bell rang I went outside. I saw Bella talking to Tyler and overheard their conversation. Tyler asked Bella to the dance and she refused him like she was frustrated. Then she got into her truck and drove away faster than usual, like she was afraid someone would follow her. I went to my Volvo and saw my family was already there. They got in and I dropped them off at home before heading to Bella's house. When I got to her house and knocked she opened the door, screamed, and slammed it in my face.

**Bella's POV**

I got right to the point and instead of saying hi I said, "Why are you here Edward?"

"Because I want an explanation," he replied, no hesitation in his voice.

"About what?" I asked.

"You know exactly what. The cuts on your arms. They were obviously done by you," he said.

"How is what I do any of your business?" I demanded angrily.

"Because I've seen the cuts on your arm Bella. Why are you hurting yourself?"

I didn't know what to say to that. Why was I hurting myself? What was causing me so much pain that I had to do this to myself? Why was I rejecting Edward when all he wanted to do was help me?

"I-I don't know anymore. What's wrong with me?" I finally replied. Then I did something I hadn't done in a long time. I started crying. I let out all the emotions I had kept in for two years. The emotions came at me at full blast. Silent tears started rolling down my cheeks as I turned away from Edward. I hate myself. I'm ugly and stupid and I couldn't stand what I was doing to myself. But I can't stop. Cutting takes away all my pain and it's so addicting once you get started.

"Nothing is wrong with you" Edward said soothingly. He didn't know how wrong he was. Everything is wrong with me. How I look, how I act. Everything. I was in so much pain that I didn't realize that I had reached into my pocket and taken out my razor. I didn't see Edward's eyes go wide as I was about to slice it into my skin. To let the blood that would run down my arms take away all my pain. I lowered it to my skin when I realized I didn't have it anymore. I looked up and saw it in Edward's hands.

"Give me my razor Edward," I said, calmly at first but I knew he wouldn't give it back so I started shrieking, "Give it back Edward! I want my razor! Give it to me Edward!" he held it out of my reach as I tried to grab it from him.

"I just want one little slice at my skin, then you can have it back" I started begging, but he wouldn't give it back. Then I started running for the stairs to get another razor when Edward grabbed me by the waist.

"Where do you think your going?" he questioned me.

I was silent for a minute before I felt my knees go weak and I collapsed to the ground, sobbing into my hands.

"Help me Edward," I sobbed, unaware of what I was saying. But then I realized that I did need help, which only made me cry harder. I never realized how healing crying could be. You get rid of all your anger and problems, just like cutting did. But crying showed weakness, which is probably why I chose cutting. At this point I was glad Charlie wasn't home.

"I will help you Bella," Edward said softly. I almost didn't hear him over my crying. Edward helped me up and when he touched my hand, a jolt of electricity went through me. I tried to regain my thoughts while I tried to stop crying. Looking at Edward, touching him did something to me that never happened before. I felt so calm, so at peace when I was around him.

"I have to go now Bella. I'll see you tomorrow" Edward said.

"Ok" I replied as he walked to his car. When he was gone I went upstairs and found my bag of razors. I didn't want to cry anymore because it made me feel weak. I didn't want to feel weak anymore. I took out a razor and held the cool piece of metal in my hand. I was thinking on slicing my skin one more time but I knew if I did I would never be able to stop. It was so addicting so I sliced it three times on my wrist vertically, about 5 inches each. Then I realized that cutting made me weak too, because that's how I handled my emotions. I hid the razor under my bed and listened to my I-pod until Charlie got home. Then I made spaghetti for dinner and went upstairs. I did my homework and went to bed while listening to 'Taking over me' by Evanescence on my I-pod.

In the morning I needed a hoodie again to hide my scars. I had a lot of them because I cut so often. I actually ate breakfast today, even though it was just a piece of toast, and headed for school. When I made it there, I was locking my truck when I dropped the keys. I reached down to pick them up when I saw a white hand grab them. I looked up and saw Edward.

"How do you always appear so fast?" I demanded.

"Its not my fault that you're unobservant Bella" he replied. "I wanted to ask you something," he continued.

"Ask away" I replied sarcastically.

"This Friday, the day of the dance—"

"Are you trying to be funny?" I interrupted.

"Please let me finish," he answered.

"Fine."

"I was wondering if you would like to go somewhere with me?" he said.

"And where would that somewhere be?"

"It's a surprise," he replied.

"Sure," I sighed. Then I stretched and the hoodie went up and showed my waist—along with all my cuts. I gasped and pulled it down but it was too late, Edward already saw.


End file.
